The happiest day of my life was a few months ago when I realized the intense, endless suicidal ideation had stopped. Maybe if I had a setback I’d offhand think “I should die,” but there was no waking up with a plan, dreaming of buying a gun, or desperately trying to imagine something, ANYTHING, in the future. I wept tears of joy. I felt like I had a chance at a life again. But it’s back and I’m devastated. I knew it would come back eventually, but after years of drowning I hoped that I would have more than 2 or 3 months of reprieve. I knew something was wrong. A week or two ago I started to feel the heartbreak. It doesn’t register as heartbreak at first, because that doesn’t make sense if you haven’t lost someone. It’s heaviness in the limbs, weakness in the knees, a sinking feeling in your chest, and basically no frustration tolerance. You cry at the drop of a hat, and your thoughts always turn melancholy if you allow yourself to daydream. It takes a while to realize your he...
Suicide is not incomprehensible, inevitable, or evil. I have struggled with severe mental illness and suicidal ideation for decades. I, and most people in my situation, have been groping blindly though the darkness in shame and fear. Not any more. It's time we look directly into the void, together.